Consumer Electronic Shows are calling my name — Hey, Stupid

Those who read this column regularly know that I love technology. I can’t always use it properly, and I’m about ten years behind — according to my daughters — but I love it when I can do something in ten minutes that would normally take me two hours.

So, each year in January when the Consumer Electronics Show opens in Las Vegas, I listen up. This year, it seems that new ideas were everywhere. There were robots, baby tenders, kitchen appliances, drones and stuff only a brilliant back-room programmer deep in the third basement of a Chinese think-tank would understand. We can only imagine how the world will look when some of this becomes available to all of us.

But, the beauty of robots and electronic gear, like people, is in the eye of the beholder. Some of these machines are clunky, ugly and worth a lot less than their asking price. Believe me, during my “single” days, I met a few men like that. I’m glad I waited for the products to improve and the cost to come down.

One of these items was a secure box into which UPS and others could deposit packages — thus freeing you from the worry of thieves taking that big box of toilet paper you ordered on Amazon Prime. With your smartphone, you could see it delivered, make sure it is locked away and later see the forklift arrive to tote the “secure box” off your front porch and into the thieves’ van in your driveway. During this last holiday season when boxes were piled on every porch on the block, we could have used a “secure box” down on the corner — like they have in a lot of neighborhoods. Until then, I think I’ll just make friends with the neighbors and charge them a little fee to look after their toilet paper until they get home. It will cost them a lot less than that $2,000 secure box.

Of course, several of the high-tech designs for this year included personal robots. Many of us have a Siri on our phone, an Alexa on the cabinet and a Rhonda in the car (I call that lady who tells me I am at my destination, Rhonda). But these weren’t enough, apparently. One of the new robots will follow you around (by smell or sound or something) learning your habits, checking your refrigerator for current groceries and suggesting meals for the evening. They will tell you when it is time to pay bills, put out the garbage and send the kids to bed. This robot will not pick up the dirty clothes, walk the dog, or fold the laundry — but other robots can.

The robot that folds clothes requires you to wash and dry them first, then to feed them, one piece at a time, into the machine the size of a small refrigerator which will fold and stack them. It will not sort them into stacks, deliver them to the appropriate room, nor will it iron them. The folder costs $1,000. Maybe we should just threaten our kids, do it ourselves or maybe join a colony of messy people. The alternative is a nudist colony.

The cutest robot gave hugs, followed you around, sat with you on the couch and purred. Maybe adopting a pet from the humane society would be cheaper. That cute little robot was $1,500. The dog at the shelter was about $50 and can be taught to attack thieves on your front porch when they try to steal your toilet paper.