The First Old White Woman To … Do Something First

The morning news programs and talk shows are full of praise for men and women who were the first of their race, their religion, their graduating class, etc. to do something. Of course, we have the first woman Vice President … but she is also the first Black and/or Asian to be Vice President of the United States. She’s not the first child of immigrants … several of the founding fathers were children of immigrants and immigrants themselves. Think: Alexander Hamilton, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, even George Washington, although born in the colonies and qualified to hold the highest office was a child of immigrants. So, it’s not such a big deal that Kamala Harris is a child of immigrants. Her real “first” has to do with being a woman Vice President of the United States.

I’m a woman, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever been the first at any thing. I was a second child, the twelfth in my graduating class (we did not have thirteen graduating). I did not get married young and at twenty-seven, I was not noted for being the first “mother” in our group. By the time I got around to it, most of my friends had children in junior high. Maybe I was the first woman who graduated from high school in Burkburnett who went to the first parent-teacher meeting and was thought to be the grandmother. At least I was first.

As a girl and a second child, it would have been a miracle of mythic proportions for me to be the first one to ride a bicycle … or own a bicycle … or want a bicycle. I did want one, but my brother tired of his rather early, and I inherited the “boy’s bike.” I think I was the first girl, riding a boy’s bike, to go down Sycamore Street without holding onto the handlebars. I could take my feet off, too, but that ended up in disaster, so it probably doesn’t count as a first.

I’m also an older woman … elderly as my granddaughter said. So now, I could be the first elderly woman to do … something. However, I do not want to climb Mt. Everest … some woman my age will probably climb that mountain and be immortalized in a block of ice near the top. Nope. I don’t aspire to great heights.

I guess I could be the first woman, my age, to win the Indy 500. I have always been a good driver. I don’t back up well. But no one is backing up. I have no trouble turning left, and slow isn’t appealing to me. So, this is a good possibility. I’ll have to get to work on some sponsors: Poligrip, Efferdent, pill organizers, a boot jack, or that key finder thing. I certainly had better keep up with the key after they give me that new red Mustang.

Being a member of the Baby Boomers isn’t good. I have too much competition. There are a lot of people my age who could host Jeopardy. I’m afraid I will not be the first woman from my hometown who wins the Nobel Prize … there were at least eleven people smarter than I.

I might be the only humor columnist who prepares income taxes. One of my clients said they had never seen a tax preparer who made them laugh. Maybe I’m the first woman who has. Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning … I’m available.