Has anyone seen my excess electricity?

One should really get points (money) in this world for waiting online, listening to canned music that never ends, and in the end failing to get satisfaction from customer service. I consider myself a good bargainer, a finder of all things fair, and if all else fails I have been known to conjure up a brotherin- law, uncle, or sister who went to law school and now deals in tort law. That’s the guys who want to know if you are a marine and “drank the water.”

I have told my clients that success is measured in relationship to how much patience a person has. Hot heads never get a good deal. Patience is king. I have learned in dealing with the government for the past thirty years that if “one” doesn’t get you a human being… “two” might. Keep punching. You will finally get a human who will pass you to the right human.

Of course, they will explain that you have punched the wrong number. That’s OK. Just… before he hangs up on you… ask him to connect you with the “right” human being. It works for the IRS. It works for the telephone company. It probably works for the CIA. Remember, to win, one must try.

Thisafternoon,Ifound a copy of my electric bill (the latest bill with the two-hundred-dollar charge). For the last two years, I have not had a two-hundred-dollar electric bill. In the heat of the summer, it might be one hundred. You see, I spent my burial insurance money on solar energy panels. I will probably never recoup the money but doing the right thing and paying a little less every month makes me feel good. When the sun is shining as it has been this summer, and those magic panels are cranking out electric power, it feels really good to get a big credit on my electric bill.

This summer the sun has shone. The meter has hummed, and I’ve been ready to smile. However, when I opened the bill, there was no credit for the excess electricity produced. There has always been a power credit. I’ve seen my electric bills reduced by way over half of the original bill. This month… nothing.

So… I found the customer service number and called. I got a response quickly. The lady found my account, saw that I didn’t have a credit, and noticed that I also didn’t get a credit last month. She put me on hold. I put my phone on speaker and cleaned up the kitchen, did a load of laundry, and read a big book. Later another lady answered and asked if she could help. I told her I was waiting on Contestant Number One. She said Number One had transferred my call to her. We started over. She found the same results, but this time, she said my contract to sell the excess electricity had expired. I would have to set up a new contract with the Solar Department. I put on my Big Girl Panties and asked her what happened to my excess electricity if they were not putting it back into the grid. She didn’t know. She said maybe I could get a refund. Sure. I was transferred to the Solar Department where I talked to a woman who was working from home with several little kids babbling in the background. She got me set up for the new contract and then connected me to her supervisor who was working back at the office… alone. He said he was sorry, but they had sent me an email back in May informing me about needing a new contract. There was nothing he could do. I whined. Nothing. I reasoned. Nothing. I threatened to use the other electric company, but I’d just agreed to a new twelve-month contract. Nothing.

As the sunny skies of August turn into the clouds of September, my solar panels are working, sending electricity to the grid… maybe. If anyone sees any old electricity puddled on the ground, it might be mine.